The holidays can be a complex time for many, especially when it involves navigating family gatherings amidst personal and political differences. For transgender individuals, this season may present additional challenges, particularly following Donald Trump’s re-election, which many feel has endorsed policies and sentiments that are hostile to the transgender community. While holiday gatherings are meant to foster warmth and connection, they can often leave transgender people feeling vulnerable and unwelcome, especially around family members who vocally support anti-transgender agendas.
In this article, I want to provide insights and strategies for transgender individuals facing the decision of whether to attend family gatherings, ways to keep composure if they choose to attend, and advice on how to foster a joyful holiday season with friends and community when opting out of family events. I share this as a 55-year-old transgender woman who has chosen not to attend my family’s holiday gatherings this year. For me, the decision was both a protective measure for my mental health and a step toward preserving the remaining civility in my family relationships. Thankfully, I have a strong circle of friends who have extended warm invitations, creating a sense of belonging and joy during this potentially isolating time.
I understand the emotional weight of these decisions. Sometimes, the most compassionate thing we can do for ourselves is to protect our peace, to allow ourselves space away from environments that don’t honor us. The choice to attend or not attend is a personal one, and no matter which path you choose, it’s valid and deserving of respect. Whether you find yourself gathering with family, choosing time with friends and support networks, or seeking quiet space for reflection, the most important part of this season is finding ways to feel safe, loved, and whole.
My hope is that this guide serves as a compassionate resource for anyone in a similar position. Whether you’re a transgender person facing a complex family dynamic, a friend looking to support a transgender loved one, or an ally seeking to understand, these strategies may help you or those you care about to experience the holidays with greater peace, connection, and self-care.
Recognize and Prepare for Family Dynamics
If you’re considering attending a family gathering this season, it’s essential to anticipate and prepare for potential interactions that might arise. If a part of you is hesitant, or if past experiences have left you feeling disrespected, consider whether attending is truly beneficial for your mental health and sense of well-being.
For many transgender individuals, family holiday events can be fraught with tension when relatives bring up divisive topics or express political views that disregard or invalidate transgender identities. Given the climate surrounding the recent election, it’s likely that some family members may express strong opinions that could lead to feelings of discomfort, hurt, or even outright distress.
Before Attending:
- Clarify Your Boundaries: It’s helpful to determine ahead of time what you’re willing to discuss, what topics you want to avoid, and how you’ll respond if certain subjects come up. Consider practicing phrases like, “I’m here to enjoy the holiday, so let’s avoid politics,” or “I’d prefer not to discuss that topic.”
- Communicate Your Needs in Advance: If possible, reach out to family members you trust and ask for their support in steering conversations away from politics or sensitive topics. Having an ally at the gathering can help you feel less isolated and can diffuse tense situations.
- Prepare a Response Strategy: In case things get uncomfortable, it can be helpful to have a few exit strategies or coping mechanisms. Step outside for a breath of fresh air, excuse yourself to another room, or bring a calming object to ground yourself if emotions start to escalate.
When You Arrive:
- Take a Quiet Moment to Breathe and Center Yourself: Before you walk in, pause to breathe deeply, grounding yourself with a few calming breaths. Remind yourself that you’re entering this event with the strength to handle difficult interactions and that you can leave or disengage whenever you need to.
- Focus on the Positive Moments: Seek out family members who are supportive or neutrally-minded. Connecting with family members who bring you comfort or laughter can help create a positive experience even in a challenging environment.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your identity, your journey, or your choice to keep your distance from certain conversations. Your decision to protect yourself, whether that means choosing not to engage or opting out of the event altogether, is valid and worthwhile.
Strategies for Maintaining Composure During Difficult Interactions
If political topics or uncomfortable remarks come up during the gathering, here are a few ways to stay composed:
- Use Neutral Deflections: When someone brings up politics, especially regarding trans-related issues, a calm response such as, “I’d like to enjoy everyone’s company today and avoid topics that divide us,” can be effective. This statement can communicate that you’re not interested in debate while maintaining civility.
- Excuse Yourself When Necessary: If a conversation becomes emotionally overwhelming, give yourself permission to step away. A brief walk or stepping outside for fresh air can provide an opportunity to re-center yourself.
- Stay Grounded in Your Own Truth: Remind yourself that while others may voice opinions that feel invalidating or even harmful, their beliefs don’t define your worth, identity, or the validity of your experiences.
Remember, you are not obligated to justify or defend your existence. If you sense that an interaction could lead to confrontation or emotional harm, it’s perfectly okay to politely disengage or shift your focus elsewhere.
Considering Not Attending Family Events: Protecting Your Mental Health and Well-being
For some, the best choice for preserving mental and emotional health might be to skip family gatherings altogether. Many transgender individuals find that choosing not to attend is a valuable act of self-protection, especially in environments that can be emotionally hostile or invalidating.
When Choosing Not to Attend:
- Reflect on Your Needs and Intentions: Ask yourself if attending the gathering would add joy and connection to your life or if it would likely lead to feelings of hurt or alienation. Give yourself the freedom to make the choice that aligns with your mental well-being.
- Communicate Your Decision Clearly and Kindly: If you decide not to attend, a respectful and concise message to your family can help set boundaries without escalating tensions. For example, “I’ve decided not to attend this year to take care of myself, but I hope you all enjoy the celebration.”
- Release Any Guilt or Obligation: Society often pressures us to prioritize family traditions, but you have the right to prioritize your peace and mental health. Skipping a family event doesn’t mean you love your family any less; it simply means you’re choosing self-compassion and self-care.
It’s okay if this season doesn’t include family traditions—there are many ways to create joy and meaning during the holidays, and you’re not alone in making the choice to protect your peace.
Finding Support and Community with Friends and Chosen Family
For those not attending family events, embracing holiday gatherings with friends or supportive communities can be deeply fulfilling. Spending time with people who respect and celebrate you can turn the holidays into a season of genuine warmth and connection.
Ways to Create a Joyful Holiday with Friends and Community:
- Host or Attend a Friendsgiving or Holiday Potluck: Gather a small group of friends or join a community potluck to celebrate the holidays. This can create a sense of togetherness and fun, filling the space that family gatherings might typically occupy.
- Engage with LGBTQ+ Support Groups or Events: Many LGBTQ+ centers and organizations host holiday events, both in person and virtually, offering spaces to connect with others who may understand your experiences. Check out events from local LGBTQ+ centers, meetup groups, or online platforms.
- Create Your Own Traditions: Embrace this time to establish personal holiday rituals that bring you peace and joy. This might include cooking your favorite holiday dish, decorating your space, or watching a cherished movie with a friend or on your own.
Whether you’re surrounded by friends or celebrating in solitude, the holidays can still be a time of warmth and joy when spent with those who genuinely affirm and appreciate you.
Self-Care Tips for Managing Loneliness or Holiday Blues
While spending time with friends can be fulfilling, feelings of loneliness or sadness may still arise, especially when family gatherings are part of your past holiday traditions. Here are some ways to manage these emotions and prioritize self-care:
- Set Aside Moments for Reflection and Gratitude: Journaling can be a helpful way to process your thoughts, acknowledge your feelings, and remember the aspects of your life that bring you gratitude. Even a few minutes each day can help center your mind and bring a sense of peace.
- Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: Activities like meditation, deep breathing exercises, or gentle yoga can help calm anxiety and foster a sense of inner stability. Apps like Headspace or Insight Timer offer guided sessions that are especially helpful during emotionally challenging times.
- Limit Social Media Exposure: Social media can amplify feelings of loneliness or exclusion, especially during the holidays. Give yourself permission to take breaks, limiting exposure to posts that might trigger difficult emotions.
- Consider Seeking Support from a Mental Health Professional: If feelings of loneliness or sadness become overwhelming, speaking with a therapist who understands transgender issues can be very beneficial. Many therapists now offer virtual sessions, providing access from the comfort of your own space.
The holidays don’t have to be traditional or perfect to be meaningful. By prioritizing yourself, honoring your needs, and finding new ways to experience connection, you can make this season a time of love, healing, and self-affirmation.
Resources for Physical and Mental Health Support During the Holidays
The holiday season can be challenging, particularly for transgender individuals navigating complex family dynamics, societal pressures, or feelings of isolation. Here’s a list of resources that offer support for mental health, community connection, and physical well-being during this time.
Trans Lifeline
Website: translifeline.org
Phone: (877) 565-8860 (U.S. & Canada)
Trans Lifeline is a peer-support hotline run by and for transgender people. Their trained operators offer support for those feeling isolated or in crisis and provide a compassionate, understanding resource specifically for transgender individuals.
The Trevor Project
Website: thetrevorproject.org
Phone: 1-866-488-7386
Text: Text “START” to 678678
The Trevor Project offers 24/7 crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTQ+ youth under 25. Their services are available through chat, phone, and text, with trained counselors ready to support anyone struggling or feeling alone.
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline
Website: nami.org
Phone: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264)
NAMI’s helpline provides free, confidential support for individuals and families facing mental health challenges. They can help connect you with local resources, support groups, and therapists specializing in LGBTQ+ issues.
SAGE LGBT Elder Hotline
Website: sageusa.org
Phone: 1-877-360-LGBT (5428)
SAGE offers support specifically for LGBTQ+ seniors, including a hotline for anyone over 50 who needs community and connection. Their volunteers offer friendly conversation and can connect users with local resources.SAGE LGBT Elder Hotline
Website: sageusa.org
Phone: 1-877-360-LGBT (5428)
SAGE offers support specifically for LGBTQ+ seniors, including a hotline for anyone over 50 who needs community and connection. Their volunteers offer friendly conversation and can connect users with local resources.
Trans Santa
Website: instagram.com/transanta
An initiative where individuals can send gifts and care packages to transgender youth in need. Trans Santa provides a way for the community to connect and support those who may be struggling with financial hardship or isolation during the holiday season.
The Bottom Line
As a transgender woman who has chosen to forego family gatherings this year, I know firsthand the complexities of navigating the holiday season amidst political and personal differences. My hope for myself and for all transgender individuals is that we find ways to nurture peace, joy, and connection in the ways that feel right to each of us. Whether that’s finding comfort with friends, exploring new traditions, or spending quiet time in self-reflection, the holidays don’t have to be defined by family gatherings alone.
This season, may we each find places and people who embrace us fully and who allow us to be our true selves without fear or reservation. Remember, you are not alone—there are communities, friends, and allies who understand, support, and cherish you just as you are.
And if you’re an ally reading this, know that your presence and support make an invaluable difference. A small invitation, a thoughtful message, or simply offering a listening ear can help a transgender friend feel valued and cared for during what may be a difficult time.
To everyone in the transgender community, here’s wishing you a holiday season filled with warmth, acceptance, and moments of true happiness. May this time be one of growth, healing, and the strength to honor and prioritize your well-being.
