Life rarely deals us the cards we dream of. For many of us in the transgender community, those cards can feel particularly harsh. Whether it’s the weight of societal expectations, the physical challenges of transitioning later in life, or the barriers placed in our way—by systems, people, or circumstances—the road often seems unfairly uphill. Yet here we are, navigating these paths, discovering ourselves, and striving for the peace and happiness that every human being deserves.
I’m writing this as a 55-year-old transgender woman who has been in deep reflection over the last week. I recently learned that my insurance carrier denied my facial feminization surgery (FFS)—a procedure I had hoped would bring me closer to seeing my true self reflected in the mirror. This news hit me hard. It wasn’t just about the procedure itself but what it symbolized: the erasure of a lifetime of dysphoria and the hope of finally feeling at peace with my reflection.
For years, I lived hidden—locked away behind the expectations of others, surviving as someone I wasn’t. When I finally began transitioning at 53, I believed I could leave that pain behind. But the truth is, even with all the progress I’ve made, there are challenges I may never overcome. Like many of you, I’ve been dealt some difficult cards. And after spending the weekend asking myself why I am in this position, I realized there is no answer that will soothe me. Blaming society, circumstances, or others won’t change my reality.
But here’s the thing: we don’t get to reshuffle the deck.
Instead, we must play the hand we’re dealt. And I’m learning—slowly, sometimes painfully—that even when some dreams feel unattainable, I can still live a life filled with purpose, love, and connection by focusing on my strengths and what I can offer to others. This isn’t to say we should ignore our struggles or give up on improving the things we can change. But it does mean accepting what we can’t change and choosing to use the gifts we have to create meaning—for ourselves and for our community.
The Cards We’re Dealt
Being transgender often means coming to terms with realities that feel unfair. Many of us endure the effects of male puberty, irreversible features, or years of pretending to be someone we’re not. These experiences leave scars—both physical and emotional. For those of us who transition later in life, these scars can feel even deeper.
We are often acutely aware of what could have been if we’d had the opportunity to transition earlier. It’s a cruel irony that by the time some of us find the courage or the means to transition, time and societal pressures have already etched their marks on us.
For me, the denial of my FFS brought these feelings rushing to the surface. I spent hours questioning why I couldn’t have been dealt a kinder hand. But as much as I felt the urge to fold, I realized that wouldn’t serve me—or anyone else. No matter how stacked the odds may feel, folding isn’t an option for those of us determined to live authentically.
Discovering and Leaning into Our Strengths
What I’ve come to realize is that while I may not be able to change certain things about my circumstances, I do have control over how I respond to them. And that starts with embracing my strengths.
One of my strengths is storytelling. As a writer, I can give voice to the experiences of our community. I can use my words to inspire, educate, and connect with others who may be feeling isolated or hopeless. This website has become my outlet for doing just that. It’s a space where I can share news, resources, and personal reflections that help others feel seen and supported.
Each of us has unique talents and passions. Maybe you’re an artist, an organizer, a caregiver, or an advocate. Whatever your strength, there is power in using it to uplift others.
- Mentorship: Sharing your journey with someone who’s just beginning theirs can be profoundly healing—for both of you. By mentoring someone else, you offer them a lifeline and remind yourself of how far you’ve come.
- Advocacy: Whether it’s speaking at events, writing letters, or supporting organizations, advocating for the rights of our community can create real change.
- Creativity: Art, music, and storytelling have always been powerful tools for self-expression and connection. Through creativity, we can share our truths in ways that resonate deeply with others.
The beauty of these strengths is that they don’t require perfection. You don’t have to pass or look a certain way to share your gifts. Your experiences, your empathy, and your passion are what make you valuable to this community—and to the world.
Making Peace with What We Can’t Control
Of course, leaning into our strengths doesn’t mean ignoring the pain of our challenges. There will always be circumstances that are out of our control. And while it’s tempting to focus on what we lack or what we can’t change, doing so only deepens our suffering.
I’ve had to accept that I may never look in the mirror and feel complete euphoria. There will be moments when I envy those who transitioned earlier or who face fewer barriers. But I also know that letting those feelings consume me won’t bring me closer to peace. Instead, I try to focus on gratitude for the progress I have made and the opportunities I do have to live authentically.
Here’s the truth: you can’t control the cards you’re dealt, but you can control how you play them. That doesn’t mean you won’t have bad days. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel the weight of your struggles. But it does mean you are empowered to choose hope over despair, action over inaction, and love over bitterness.
Building Community and Finding Connection
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is connection. The transgender community is a diverse, vibrant, and resilient group of people who understand the challenges we face like no one else can. When we lean on each other, we become stronger.
- Support Groups: Whether in person or online, support groups provide a space to share experiences, seek advice, and feel less alone.
- Advocacy Networks: Joining advocacy organizations connects you with others working to create change for the trans community.
- One-on-One Conversations: Sometimes, the most profound connections come from individual conversations. Reaching out to someone who’s struggling—or asking for help when you need it—can be life-changing.
By sharing our stories and supporting one another, we create a ripple effect of hope and resilience.
The Bottom Line
To my readers: I see you. I understand the pain of feeling like your dreams are out of reach, of looking in the mirror and struggling to recognize yourself. I know the heaviness of wishing for something that feels unattainable. But I also know the strength and beauty that live within you.
Every day, I work on accepting my weaknesses. I still dream of looking in the mirror and seeing the woman I’ve always known myself to be. But I’ve also chosen to spend most of my time focusing on what I can do—on providing news, resources, and support to this community that has given me so much.
My hope for you is that you, too, can find peace in the cards you’ve been dealt. Recognize your strengths and share them with the world. Be a mentor, an advocate, or a friend. Use your gifts to create joy and connection—not just for yourself but for others.
You may never have all the answers. You may never fulfill every dream. But you can build a life filled with purpose, love, and resilience.
We are stronger together, and I am honored to walk this path alongside you. Remember: even when the odds feel stacked against us, we always have the power to choose how we play our hand.
