Holidays are often painted as a magical time of warmth and togetherness, a season of festive reunions where every chair at the table is filled, and old grievances are swept away by the power of tradition and shared nostalgia. For many transgender individuals, however, this idyllic picture is not only unrealistic but also a source of significant emotional turmoil. The societal pressure to reconcile with family—even toxic and transphobic relatives—can lead to emotional and psychological harm that no amount of holiday cheer can justify.
As a transgender woman who has spent decades navigating the complex web of family relationships, I’ve experienced this pressure firsthand. I’ve been guilted into returning to a home that felt anything but safe, all in the name of “keeping the family together.” Over time, I’ve come to understand that prioritizing my well-being isn’t selfish; it’s essential. This year, I’m finally breaking the cycle, spending the holidays away from my family for the sake of my own sanity. In this article, I’ll explore why the myth of holiday reunions can be especially harmful to transgender individuals, how nostalgia is weaponized against us, and how we can reclaim our holidays in ways that prioritize safety and self-care.
The Unique Challenges Trans People Face in Family Dynamics
While family tension is not unique to transgender individuals, it often assumes a distinct form when gender identity comes into play. Many families struggle to understand or accept their transgender relatives, and this lack of acceptance can manifest in a range of harmful behaviors, from misgendering and deadnaming to outright hostility.
Holidays amplify these dynamics. In an environment steeped in tradition, even well-meaning relatives may insist on maintaining outdated and hurtful patterns. “This is how we’ve always done it,” they might say, as if the sanctity of a turkey carving ritual outweighs a person’s right to be seen and respected for who they truly are.
For transgender individuals, the stakes are high. A holiday gathering that dismisses or invalidates our identity isn’t just uncomfortable; it can be deeply traumatic. The persistent erasure of who we are—often under the guise of “family values” or “tough love”—chips away at our sense of self-worth. Over time, this erasure can lead to depression, anxiety, and a host of other mental health challenges.
Nostalgia as a Weapon
One of the most insidious tools toxic families use to pressure transgender individuals into compliance is nostalgia. The sentimentality surrounding holiday traditions is often weaponized, with relatives painting a rosy picture of the past and framing any deviation as a betrayal of family unity.
“Don’t you remember how much fun we used to have?” they’ll ask, conveniently ignoring the fact that the “fun” was often predicated on conformity and silence. For transgender individuals, these nostalgic appeals are particularly painful. They erase the discomfort and alienation we felt in those very moments and attempt to overwrite our lived experiences with a narrative that serves the family’s agenda.
However, nostalgia can have both positive and negative effects. While it can create a sense of longing for an idealized past, it’s important to remember that the past was never as perfect as it’s made out to be. As transgender people, we owe it to ourselves to honor the full truth of our experiences rather than succumbing to a whitewashed version designed to serve others.
The Emotional Toll of Family Guilt
Toxic families also use guilt as a powerful tool. “It’s not the same without you,” they’ll say, or “You’re tearing this family apart.” These statements place an unfair burden on transgender individuals, positioning us as the sole keepers of family unity while absolving others of their responsibility to create a safe and welcoming environment.
For years, I fell for these tactics. I’d pack my bags and make the trip home, bracing myself for the onslaught of microaggressions and outright hostility that awaited me. I’d sit through dinners where relatives openly debated the validity of my existence, all while being told to “be the bigger person” and not ruin the holiday spirit. Each time, I left feeling drained, angry, and deeply unmoored.
This year, I’ve decided that enough is enough. I’ve come to realize that the guilt I feel is a reflection of my own empathy and desire for connection, not a sign that I’ve done anything wrong. My family’s inability to accept me as I am is their failure, not mine.
For Those with Loving Families
While much of this article focuses on the challenges transgender individuals face with toxic or unaccepting families, it’s equally important to recognize and celebrate those who have truly loving and supportive families. If you are fortunate enough to have relatives who accept you wholeheartedly and make you feel safe, cherish these relationships. You are not obligated to feel guilty for having a family that embraces you; your joy is not something to hide or downplay.
In fact, loving families serve as a beacon of hope for what family relationships can and should be. They show the power of acceptance, kindness, and unconditional love. If this is your reality, take a moment to express gratitude to those who support you and make the holidays special. Embrace these moments fully and know that your happiness can inspire others in their own journeys toward finding or building loving relationships.
Reclaiming the Holidays
Choosing to spend the holidays away from family can be a difficult decision, especially when societal norms equate holiday gatherings with love and belonging. But for transgender individuals, creating a holiday experience that prioritizes our safety and well-being is not only valid—it’s vital.
Here are some strategies for reclaiming the holidays on your own terms:
Build Your Chosen Family
The concept of chosen family is a lifeline for many transgender individuals. These are the people who see you, respect you, and celebrate you for who you are. While spending the holidays with biological family might feel obligatory, spending them with chosen family can be an act of radical self-love.
Plan a Friendsgiving, host a virtual holiday party, or simply spend the day with one or two close friends who make you feel valued. These gatherings don’t have to follow traditional holiday scripts; the only requirement is that they bring you joy.
RELATED: Finding Your Tribe: Building a Supportive Community as a Single Trans Person
Create New Traditions
One of the most liberating aspects of stepping away from toxic family dynamics is the opportunity to create new traditions that reflect your values and identity. Maybe that means volunteering at a local shelter, taking a solo trip to a place you’ve always wanted to visit, or spending the day binge-watching your favorite shows in your coziest pajamas.
The point is to reclaim the holidays as a time of self-care and authenticity, rather than obligation and performance.
Set Boundaries
If you do choose to spend time with family, it’s crucial to establish clear boundaries. Let them know ahead of time what behavior you will and won’t tolerate. For example, you might say, “I’m happy to come, but if anyone misgenders me, I will leave.”
Enforcing these boundaries can be challenging, especially if your family is accustomed to dismissing your needs. But remember: boundaries are not about controlling others; they’re about protecting yourself.
Seek Support
Navigating the holidays as a transgender person can be incredibly isolating, but you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to supportive friends, join online communities, or connect with local LGBTQ+ organizations that offer holiday events and resources.
Therapy can also be a valuable tool for processing the emotions that arise during this time of year. A skilled therapist can help you unpack feelings of guilt, navigate family dynamics, and develop strategies for self-care.
Give Yourself Permission to Say No
It’s okay to decline invitations that don’t align with your well-being. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for prioritizing your mental health. A simple, “Thank you for inviting me, but I’ve made other plans this year” is more than enough.
The Power of Choosing Yourself
For many years, I believed that saying no to my family meant I was failing them. But I’ve come to understand that the real failure would be abandoning myself to meet their expectations. This year, I’ll be spending the holidays in a way that feels nourishing and true to who I am. And while it’s bittersweet to let go of the dream of a harmonious family gathering, it’s also deeply empowering.
To my fellow transgender individuals who are grappling with the myth of holiday reunions, know this: you are not alone. You deserve to spend the holidays in an environment that uplifts and affirms you. Whether that means building new traditions, leaning on chosen family, or simply giving yourself the gift of solitude, the choice is yours—and it’s valid.
The Bottom Line
The holidays are often marketed as a time of unconditional love and forgiveness, but for transgender individuals, the reality is often far more complicated. By challenging the myth of holiday reunions and prioritizing our own well-being, we can reclaim this season as a time of empowerment and self-love.
To anyone who needs to hear it: you are not obligated to endure toxic family dynamics in the name of tradition. Your worth is not defined by your ability to maintain relationships that harm you. This holiday season, give yourself the greatest gift of all: the freedom to choose peace over nostalgia, safety over obligation, and self-love over guilt.
As someone who has spent years navigating toxic family dynamics, I want to assure you that it’s okay to prioritize your well-being. Choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re selfish or unloving—it means you’re brave enough to honor your truth. This year, I’m spending the holidays away from my family, reclaiming this time for my own healing and joy. It’s not an easy decision, but it’s a necessary one, and I hope this article helps you feel empowered to make choices that serve your mental and emotional health.
Remember, you are not alone in this journey. There is a community of people who see you, value you, and want you to thrive. Whatever your holiday looks like this year, I hope it brings you the peace and affirmation you deserve. Wishing you all love and strength during this season.
