Today is Valentine’s Day—a day meant to celebrate love, connection, and romance. But for some of us, it’s a day that serves as a brutal reminder of past trauma. I write this with a heavy heart, as February 14th has long been a difficult day for me. Nineteen years ago, on this very date, something happened that forever changed me. The details of that event aren’t something I’m ready to share, but I can tell you that no matter how much time has passed, I still see every moment of it in my mind as if it happened yesterday.
As the calendar turned to February, I noticed familiar feelings creeping in—restlessness, sadness, and a growing sense of dread. At first, I couldn’t place the source of this emotional storm, but then it hit me: my body and mind were bracing for the anniversary of that trauma, one that just so happens to land on a day that society has wrapped in glitter and heart-shaped decorations.
For members of the transgender community, emotional triggers tied to traumatic anniversaries can be especially intense. Many of us have endured unique struggles—loss, rejection, violence, and profound grief—that cisgender individuals might not fully understand. Valentine’s Day, or any significant date, can stir up these old wounds and force us to relive moments we thought we’d buried long ago. And while we tell ourselves, It’s been so long—I should be over this by now, our emotions rarely listen.
If you find yourself overwhelmed by emotions on certain dates, know that you’re not alone. Today, I want to talk about why these feelings resurface, how we can face them head-on, and what strategies can help us cope and heal.
Why Do Trauma Anniversaries Hit So Hard?
The human brain is wired to remember events that carry significant emotional weight. This is why we often recall traumatic experiences with unsettling clarity, even decades later. These memories can be locked deep inside us until something—a specific date, a smell, a sound, or even a holiday—pulls them to the surface.
Trauma anniversaries can trigger what is known as an anniversary reaction, which might include:
- Emotional distress: Sadness, anger, anxiety, or fear may bubble up without an obvious cause.
- Physical symptoms: Fatigue, headaches, trouble sleeping, or muscle tension are common responses.
- Flashbacks and intrusive thoughts: You may feel like you’re reliving the event, even if you’re consciously trying to push it away.
For transgender individuals, these triggers can be intensified by ongoing stressors like rejection, discrimination, and violence. Add the current political climate—Donald Trump’s policies and rhetoric aimed at transgender people during his second term, for example—and it’s easy to feel as though the weight of the world is pressing down on us.
But recognizing what’s happening is the first step toward healing.
Facing Emotional Triggers: First, Acknowledge Them
It’s tempting to run from these feelings, to distract ourselves until the day has passed and the storm subsides. But avoidance rarely brings peace. Instead, the first step toward healing is to face these emotions head-on.
- Name Your Feelings: Take a moment to identify what you’re feeling. Is it sadness? Grief? Fear? Anger? Naming the emotion can help you process it.
- Acknowledge the Cause: Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is a normal reaction to an extraordinary event. It’s not a sign of weakness or failure; it’s your body’s way of trying to protect you.
- Be Gentle with Yourself: It’s okay to not be okay. Allow yourself the space to grieve, cry, and feel whatever comes up without judgment.
Once you’ve acknowledged your emotions, it’s time to take care of yourself and find healthy ways to cope.
Coping Strategies for Difficult Days
Once you’ve acknowledged the emotions, it’s time to find ways to manage and cope with them. Here are some strategies that have helped me and others in the transgender community:
Reach Out for Support
Isolation can make these feelings worse. Connect with friends, family, or a trusted ally who understands and supports you. If you’re not ready to talk about the trauma itself, that’s okay—just having someone there to listen or keep you company can make a world of difference.
Support groups and hotlines can also be lifelines, especially if you feel overwhelmed. Transgender-specific support groups offer safe spaces where you can share and connect with others who have walked a similar path.
Ground Yourself in the Present
When the past threatens to pull you under, grounding techniques can help anchor you in the present moment.
- 5-4-3-2-1 Exercise: Identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
- Deep Breathing: Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four. Repeat until you feel calmer.
- Sensory Tools: Hold an ice cube, light a candle with a calming scent, or wrap yourself in a soft blanket.
Create a Self-Care Ritual
Treat yourself with extra kindness on difficult days. Plan small acts of self-care that bring comfort and calm:
- Take a long bath with soothing music.
- Watch a favorite movie or binge-watch a lighthearted show.
- Journal your thoughts and feelings without censoring yourself.
- Cook a nourishing meal or order your favorite comfort food.
Limit Exposure to Triggers
If certain activities or media make the day harder, give yourself permission to avoid them. For example, if seeing Valentine’s Day posts on social media brings you down, log off for the day. Protect your mental health without guilt or explanation.
Seek Professional Help
If your feelings become too overwhelming to manage on your own, consider reaching out to a therapist, especially one who is affirming of transgender identities and experiences. Trauma therapy, in particular, can help you process painful memories and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
How to Support a Friend or Partner
If you have a friend, partner, or loved one who struggles with trauma anniversaries, your support can make a world of difference. It’s not always easy to know how to help, especially when the person may be withdrawn, emotional, or even unsure how to articulate what they’re going through. But being a steady, compassionate presence can provide them with the comfort they need to weather the storm.
Here are some do’s and don’ts for offering support:
DO
- Listen without judgment. Let them share their feelings without trying to fix or minimize the situation. Sometimes, just being there to listen is the best thing you can do.
- Validate their emotions. You don’t have to understand exactly how they’re feeling to acknowledge their pain. Saying something like “I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it’s okay to feel however you need to feel today” can go a long way.
- Ask how you can help. Instead of assuming what they need, offer specific options: “Would you like to talk, go for a walk, or just sit together?” Let them decide what feels right.
- Respect their boundaries. If they need space, give it to them, but let them know you’re there whenever they need you.
DON’T
- Minimize their experience. Avoid phrases like “It was a long time ago” or “You should be over it by now.” Trauma doesn’t follow a timeline, and these comments can feel dismissive.
- Force them to talk. Some people might not be ready to discuss what they’re feeling, and that’s okay. Silence can be healing, too.
- Offer toxic positivity. Saying “Just focus on the good things” or “Look on the bright side” can feel invalidating. It’s okay for someone to sit with their difficult emotions.
- Take it personally. If your loved one pulls away or acts out of character, remember it’s likely a response to their emotional state, not a reflection of how they feel about you.
Ultimately, your presence is the most important gift you can give. Even small gestures—a warm text, a cup of tea, or a reassuring hug—can remind someone they’re not alone in their journey.
Turning Pain into Power
It’s easy to feel powerless in the face of trauma anniversaries, but over time, they can also become opportunities for growth and healing. By confronting these emotions, we take back some of the control that trauma once stole from us.
For me, writing this article is part of that process. I won’t pretend that I’ve figured it all out or that my journey is over—it’s not. But today, I choose to share my story in the hopes that it might help someone else feel a little less alone.
The Long Journey of Healing: Understanding That It’s Not Linear
Healing from trauma is a journey—not a straight path with a clear beginning and end. It’s a winding road with progress, setbacks, moments of clarity, and times when it feels like you’re back at square one. This can be especially challenging when an anniversary hits and stirs up emotions you thought you had already processed.
It’s important to remember that setbacks are not failures. Experiencing painful memories or emotions doesn’t mean you haven’t healed or that all your progress has been lost. Healing is a lifelong process, and it often comes in waves. One day you may feel strong, confident, and ready to face the world, while another day might bring tears, anxiety, and the need to retreat. Both experiences are valid, and both are part of your healing journey.
Rather than expecting to “move on” or “get over” a traumatic event, think of healing as learning how to carry it with you in a way that doesn’t define you. Some days, the weight of that experience may feel heavy, and that’s okay. Other days, it may be barely noticeable. The goal isn’t perfection or forgetting—it’s finding ways to live fully, even with the scars you carry.
When you hit a rough patch, remind yourself of all the progress you’ve made, no matter how small. Every moment you’ve survived, every time you’ve reached out for help, every time you’ve shown yourself kindness—that’s progress. Allow yourself to celebrate those victories, even if they seem small, because they are a testament to your resilience.
Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Healing is never about being perfect; it’s about finding the strength to keep going, even when it feels hard. Trust that each step you take—no matter how small—is bringing you closer to the life you deserve.
The Bottom Line
If today—or any day—feels too heavy to carry, please remember that you don’t have to carry it alone. There are people who care about you and resources available to help you through the darkest moments.
Whether it’s Valentine’s Day, a birthday, or any other significant date that brings back painful memories, know that your feelings are valid. You have survived so much already. Give yourself the grace and compassion you would offer a dear friend.
You are resilient. You are worthy of healing. And even on the hardest days, you are not alone.
Resources for Immediate Support:
- Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860 (U.S. and Canada)
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
- The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386
