The myth of “deception” has long been used as a weapon against transgender individuals, particularly transgender women, in dating. The false narrative that trans people are somehow “tricking” their partners by existing as their authentic selves has had devastating consequences, leading to harassment, violence, and even murder. This myth is not only harmful but deeply rooted in transphobia, misogyny, and a broader societal failure to recognize and respect transgender identities.
This article seeks to dissect the origins and impact of the “deception” narrative, analyze how it has been weaponized against transgender people—especially trans women—and offer strategies for combating these dangerous misconceptions. While trans men also face challenges in dating, transgender women experience disproportionately high levels of violence, making it essential to focus on their experiences.
The “Deception” Narrative: A Historical and Legal Tool for Violence
The idea that transgender people are “deceptive” when dating has existed for decades, fueled by both media portrayals and legal precedents. Movies and television shows have often depicted trans women as “traps” or as individuals who “fool” unsuspecting cisgender men into romantic or sexual encounters. These portrayals reinforce the idea that a trans woman’s identity is inherently fraudulent, rather than a valid expression of self.
In the legal system, the deception narrative has been explicitly used to justify violence. The so-called “trans panic defense” has been employed in numerous criminal cases, allowing perpetrators of violence against trans individuals to argue that discovering a partner was transgender caused them to enter a state of “temporary insanity.” This defense relies on the idea that being trans is so shocking and distressing that violence becomes an understandable reaction. Although some U.S. states and countries have outlawed this defense, it remains a troubling aspect of legal history.
The Intersection of Transphobia and Misogyny in the “Tricked Me” Myth
At its core, the deception narrative is deeply tied to both transphobia and misogyny. The idea that a trans woman is “lying” about her gender assumes that being transgender is something shameful or deceptive. It also suggests that cisgender men are entitled to information about a person’s assigned sex at birth, as though this overrides a trans woman’s right to privacy and self-definition.
Furthermore, this narrative aligns with broader patterns of violence against women. Misogyny has long fueled the idea that men have the right to control women’s bodies and punish those who “step out of line.” Trans women, who are both marginalized as women and as trans individuals, face compounded risks. The anger directed at them when men feel their masculinity or heterosexuality is “threatened” mirrors the violence cisgender women face when they reject or defy male expectations.
The Realities of Dating as a Transgender Woman
For transgender women, dating can be a minefield of potential rejection, fetishization, and danger. Many trans women struggle with the question of when and how to disclose their transgender status. Some choose to disclose upfront to avoid negative reactions later, while others prefer to wait until they feel safe and trust their partner. There is no universal “right” way to navigate this issue—the decision should be about what is safest and most comfortable for the individual.
However, the pressure to disclose is uniquely placed on trans individuals. Cisgender people are not expected to provide a detailed account of their medical history or identity evolution before dating someone. This double standard reinforces the idea that trans people owe an explanation for their existence, rather than being accepted as they are.
The Real Danger: Violence, Not “Deception”
The most dangerous part of the deception myth is the violence it enables. Studies show that trans women—particularly Black and Latina trans women—are at significantly higher risk of being victims of violent crimes. Many of these cases occur in the context of dating and intimate relationships, where perpetrators use the deception narrative to justify their actions.
One of the most well-known cases is the murder of Islan Nettles, a Black transgender woman killed in 2013. Her attacker initially flirted with her but became violent after realizing she was transgender. Similar patterns emerge in case after case, where men react with rage upon learning that the woman they are attracted to is trans. The violence in these situations is not a spontaneous, uncontrollable reaction but a learned behavior rooted in societal transphobia.
Dispelling the “Deception” Myth and Changing the Narrative
- Education and Awareness: One of the most powerful ways to combat the deception myth is through education. Schools, media, and public discourse must challenge the idea that trans people are deceptive simply by existing. This includes accurate portrayals of trans individuals in media and active efforts to debunk myths about gender identity.
- Ending the “Trans Panic” Defense: Legal systems need to continue rejecting the “trans panic” defense and hold perpetrators accountable for their violence. No one should be able to justify harming another person based on their own prejudices or insecurities.
- Holding the Media Accountable: Media representation plays a crucial role in shaping public perception. Shows and movies that depict trans women as “traps” or “deceivers” must be called out and held accountable for the harm they perpetuate. Instead, we need more nuanced and humanizing portrayals of transgender individuals as fully realized people with diverse experiences.
- Challenging Cisgender Entitlement: The belief that cisgender people are “owed” disclosure of a trans person’s history needs to be dismantled. While honesty is important in any relationship, the demand for disclosure often comes from a place of entitlement rather than genuine respect. Cisgender people must examine why they feel that trans people “owe” them anything beyond mutual respect and consent.
Creating Safer Dating Spaces for Trans People
Trans people deserve safe and affirming dating spaces. This can be achieved through:
- Dating apps with inclusive policies that protect trans users from harassment.
- LGBTQ+ friendly venues where trans individuals can meet potential partners in safer environments.
- Strong support networks that provide guidance and protection for trans individuals navigating dating and relationships.
The Bottom Line
The myth of “deception” has cost too many trans people their lives, but it does not have to continue. By challenging transphobia, educating the public, and creating safer spaces for trans individuals, we can dismantle this dangerous narrative and build a world where trans people are not seen as “tricking” anyone—but simply as living their truth.
For trans individuals, dating should not be a life-threatening endeavor. Everyone deserves love, respect, and the freedom to exist without fear. It is time to shift the conversation away from “deception” and toward understanding, acceptance, and, most importantly, safety for transgender individuals in all aspects of their lives.
