Dating while trans often means carrying an extra layer of caution, especially in the world of online matches and DMs. Finding someone who understands you beyond your gender identity is crucial for transgender women. This week’s Ask Ana responds to a heartfelt message from Exhausted but Hopeful, a trans woman who keeps running into men who seem more interested in the fantasy than the person.
This Week’s Question:
Dear Ana,
I’m a trans woman who’s trying to date online, and I keep running into guys who turn out to be chasers. They act really into me at first, but then it becomes clear they’re more into the “idea” of me than actually getting to know me. I want to find love like everyone else—but I’m tired. How do I tell the difference between someone who genuinely likes me and someone who just sees me as a fetish?
—Exhausted but Hopeful
Dearest Exhausted,
Oh honey. I see you. I hear you. And I absolutely believe you deserve better.
You are not overreacting. You’re not paranoid. You’re not too picky. You’re just navigating one of the most emotionally complicated aspects of being a trans woman in the modern dating world: trying to filter out the chasers without giving up on love.
Let’s start with this truth: being attracted to trans women does not make someone a chaser. But treating us like exotic trophies, secret fantasies, or “naughty little detours” absolutely does.
Chasers are not just people with preferences. They’re people whose interest in trans women is rooted in objectification, secrecy, entitlement, and/or shame. They’re the ones who make you feel more like a kink than a person. They often know how to talk smoothly, but their actions always give them away.
So, how do we tell the difference? Let’s fine-tune that Red Flag Radar of yours.
Red Flag #1: He brings up your gender before he brings up your name.
If the very first messages are about your transness—“I’ve always wanted to try a trans girl,” “Are you post-op?” or “I bet you’re wild in bed”—run. That’s not curiosity. That’s consumption.
Green Flag: He treats your gender like a part of who you are—not a defining novelty. He asks about you—your interests, passions, favorite shows, what makes you laugh.
Red Flag #2: He wants to keep things low-key… way too early.
This one hurts because it hides behind romantic excuses: “I just want something private,” or “I’m not into labels.” But when a man shows signs of wanting to keep you a secret before the second date? That’s not privacy. That’s shame.
Green Flag: He’s open about getting to know you and would proudly take you out in public. Even if he’s still learning about trans identities, he’s not hiding you from his world.
Red Flag #3: He seems obsessed with what’s in your pants.
If he starts asking early about your body, your surgery status, or what you “have”—especially without establishing trust or a deeper connection—he’s not building a relationship. He’s shopping for parts.
Green Flag: He doesn’t make your body the topic of conversation unless you bring it up. He lets you lead that dialogue, respects your privacy, and never acts entitled to details.
Red Flag #4: He plays the “I’ve never done this before” card—but makes it weird.
It’s fine if someone is new to dating trans women. But if his entire vibe is “this is just a wild thing I’m trying once,” or he seems too hyped about crossing us off some imaginary bucket list? That’s a chaser in sheep’s clothing.
Green Flag: He’s honest if this is new for him, but he doesn’t make it your job to educate him or soothe his confusion. He approaches you with genuine openness, not a sense of experimentation.
Red Flag #5: He love-bombs you… but never really knows you.
Chasers often shower you with compliments and sexual attention in the beginning. But when you ask deeper questions or open up emotionally, they go silent or redirect. That’s because they’re not here for your soul. They’re here for a fantasy.
Green Flag: He gets excited about who you really are. He listens. He remembers things you say. He makes space for your vulnerabilities, not just your selfies.
Red Flag #6: He only contacts you late at night or when he’s horny.
Let’s call it what it is: booty call energy wrapped in secrecy and internalized transphobia. If he can only see you after dark, never wants to hang out unless sex is involved, or ghosts you after hookup talk? He’s not dating you—he’s using you.
Green Flag: He communicates consistently, respects your time, and wants to see you during daylight hours. (Bonus points if he brings you coffee instead of just asking for nudes.)
Bonus Red Flag: He says, “I’m not like other guys.”
Girl. You already know. That sentence has never been followed by anything good.
So, What Do You Do with All This?
You trust your gut. You remember that just because someone is nice sometimes doesn’t mean they’re safe. You know that you deserve affection that doesn’t come with confusion, shame, or strings.
And if someone checks a few red flag boxes? Don’t feel bad about backing out early. You’re not “giving up too soon”—you’re protecting your heart and your peace.
Quick Tools for Safer Online Dating:
- Put it in your bio (if you feel safe): Something as simple as “Not here to be your fetish” can save time and repel weirdos.
- Ask early about values: Try, “What are you looking for in a relationship?” or “How do you feel about trans visibility?” Their answer will tell you everything.
- Zoom out: If a guy makes you feel confused, insecure, or like you’re walking on eggshells, zoom out and ask yourself, “Would I want my best friend dating someone like this?”
- Remember: Chasers often disappear when they realize they can’t manipulate or guilt you. Take their silence as a gift.
RELATED: How to Create an Online Dating Profile as a Trans Woman
The Bottom Line
You are not too complicated. You are not “asking for too much.” You are not hard to love. There are people out there who will see you—not just your gender, your body, or their assumptions. You don’t need to be someone’s fantasy to be someone’s future.
And don’t forget: if someone makes you question your worth, they’re not worth your time. You’re doing amazing. And your person? They’re out there looking for you, too—without a single red flag in hand.
Best, Ana
Disclaimer for Ask Ana: The Ask Ana advice column is intended for informational and discussion purposes only. Ana Marie Stelle offers guidance based on personal experience and general relationship knowledge, but her advice should not be considered professional counseling, therapy, or legal guidance. Every relationship is unique, and readers are encouraged to use their own judgment and seek professional assistance when necessary. TransVitae and Ask Ana are not responsible for any actions taken based on the advice provided. By reading this column, you acknowledge that all advice is given in good faith and should be applied with personal discretion.
