Dating while trans often means carrying an extra layer of caution, especially in the world of online matches and DMs. Finding someone who understands you beyond your gender identity is crucial for transgender women. This week’s Ask Ana responds to a question from Only T for Me, a trans woman wondering if her dating preferences make her too exclusive—or just self-protective.
This Week’s Question:
Dear Ana,
I’m a trans woman who’s been trying to date for a while now, and honestly… I’m tired. I’ve had some rough experiences dating cis men who either didn’t really “get it,” fetishized me, or expected me to constantly explain myself. Lately, I’ve found myself only wanting to date other trans people—people who just get it. But sometimes I wonder… is that wrong? Is it okay to only want to date other trans folks?
—Only T for Me
Dear Only T,
Oh, sweetheart. I want to wrap you in a blanket, hand you some tea, and say this one very clearly:
Yes. It’s more than okay.
Wanting to date other trans people doesn’t make you close-minded. It makes you self-aware. It means you’ve learned what your heart needs in order to feel seen, safe, and celebrated. And that’s not a limitation—it’s a boundary. And boundaries are hot.
Let’s break this down.
You’re Not “Excluding People.” You’re Choosing Connection.
Dating should feel good. Safe. Intimate in all the right ways—not just about your body, but about your understanding of each other.
And let’s be real: dating while trans often feels like auditioning for a role someone else wrote for you. You’re either the “adventure,” the “lesson,” or the “secret.” That kind of dating isn’t connection. It’s performance.
But when you date another trans person? The nature of the relationship changes. You don’t have to translate your identity into a TED Talk. You don’t have to dodge intrusive questions about your body like it’s the final boss in a video game. You get to just… be.
Shared Experience Isn’t a Rule—It’s a Relief
You’re not saying all cis people are terrible (though shoutout to the ones who are working on themselves). You’re just saying that, right now, you want something easier. Softer. More grounded in mutual experience.
That’s not a red flag. That’s emotional intelligence.
It’s okay to want a partner who knows the difference between euphoria and dysphoria, who understands why a grocery store mirror can ruin your whole day, and who will never, ever call your hormones “extra.”
This Isn’t About Settling. It’s About Sovereignty.
Some folks will say, “But what if you’re limiting your options?” To which I say: Good. Limit the hell out of them. Not every option is a good one.
You’re not obligated to keep your heart wide open to people who don’t make the effort to understand you. You’re allowed to be specific. You’re allowed to crave a connection that feels soul-deep and identity-affirming. That’s not settling. That’s choosing yourself.
And if love comes wrapped in a T4T bow? Baby, that’s not niche—it’s revolutionary.
So, What If This Changes Later?
Then it changes. You might meet a cis person who surprises you. You might expand your dating preferences down the line. That doesn’t mean your current feelings are invalid—it just means you’re evolving.
But you don’t have to date “just in case.” You don’t owe anyone access to your heart because they check a diversity box. Your love is not a charity program. It’s a gift.
Bottom Line
Yes, it’s okay to only want to date other trans people. Yes, it’s okay if that’s where you feel safest, most seen, and most sexy. Yes, your preferences are valid—especially when they come from lived experience and not fear or shame. And yes—there are trans people out there who want love, joy, late-night memes, and grocery runs with someone just like you.
So go find them. Swipe left on guilt, swipe right on connection.
You’re not too picky. You’re not too much. You’re just choosing right now to date like someone who knows what they’re worth. And that is everything.
Best, Ana
Disclaimer for Ask Ana: The Ask Ana advice column is intended for informational and discussion purposes only. Ana Marie Stelle offers guidance based on personal experience and general relationship knowledge, but her advice should not be considered professional counseling, therapy, or legal guidance. Every relationship is unique, and readers are encouraged to use their own judgment and seek professional assistance when necessary. TransVitae and Ask Ana are not responsible for any actions taken based on the advice provided. By reading this column, you acknowledge that all advice is given in good faith and should be applied with personal discretion.
