In the current climate of escalating hatred and violence against the transgender community worldwide, it can be profoundly difficult to maintain any sense of inner peace. As a transgender woman who has been independently documenting the struggles and tragedies of our community since launching transvitae.com in March, I find myself already growing weary. Reporting on the countless acts of cruelty, discrimination, and, in too many cases, fatal violence, has taken a toll on my spirit. It has left me searching for a way to process these harrowing experiences and find a path forward that isn’t solely defined by fear and pain.
About five years ago, during a particularly dark period in my life, my therapist introduced me to a book that would later become a cornerstone in my ongoing battle to preserve my mental health—The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. At the time, these teachings felt like a lifeline, offering simple yet profound principles to guide me through the storm of self-doubt, external judgment, and internalized transphobia that I, like so many others, have faced.
Now, as I’ve recently revisited The Four Agreements, I find myself trying to understand the escalating hostility against our community through this lens. The principles outlined by Ruiz—Be Impeccable with Your Word, Don’t Take Anything Personally, Don’t Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best—are more relevant than ever as we navigate the turbulent waters of societal animosity. It is my hope that by exploring these agreements, we as a community, along with our families and allies, can find a way to confront the rising tide of hate with resilience and compassion, ultimately working toward a world where we no longer have to live in fear.
The Rising Tide of Hatred and Violence
The statistics are harrowing: violence against transgender individuals, particularly transgender women of color, has been on the rise globally. According to recent reports, 2024 is going to be one of the deadliest years on record for transgender individuals, with an alarming number of trans people losing their lives to hate-fueled violence. This growing hostility isn’t limited to physical attacks; it permeates all aspects of our lives, from discriminatory laws and policies to daily encounters with bigotry and prejudice.
The emotional toll this takes on our community is immense. The constant media coverage of transphobic rhetoric and violence makes fear, anxiety, and depression common companions for many of us. For those of us who have chosen to transition, the journey is already fraught with personal challenges—coming out, navigating healthcare, and seeking acceptance from loved ones. To add to that, the constant threat of external hostility can feel overwhelming, to say the least.
In the face of such adversity, how do we maintain our mental health and continue our journey of self-discovery? How do we build emotional resilience when the world around us seems intent on breaking our spirits? The Four Agreements offers some guidance.
Be Impeccable with Your Word: The Power of Language
The first agreement, “Be Impeccable with Your Word,” encourages us to recognize the power of language. Words have the ability to create or destroy; they can build up a person’s self-esteem or tear it down. For the transgender community, language is often a battleground. Misgendering, deadnaming, and other forms of verbal violence are daily realities for many of us. The words others use can be hurtful, and over time, these microaggressions can accumulate, eroding our sense of self-worth.
However, The Four Agreements reminds us that we also have control over our own words. We can choose to speak kindly to ourselves and others, even in the face of hatred. Being impeccable with our word means rejecting the internalized transphobia that tells us we are less than or unworthy of love and respect. It means affirming our identity, our experiences, and our right to exist in this world as our true selves.
In practice, this might involve setting boundaries with those who refuse to respect our identities, or it could mean engaging in positive self-talk to counteract the negativity we encounter. It could also mean using our voices to advocate for ourselves and our community, whether through activism, education, or simply living our lives openly and authentically. The words we choose can be a powerful tool for both personal empowerment and community solidarity.
Don’t Take Anything Personally: The Armor of Resilience
The second agreement, “Don’t Take Anything Personally,” is perhaps the most challenging yet liberating of all. In a world where transphobia is rampant, it’s difficult not to internalize the hatred directed at us. When we are confronted with bigotry, whether through the media, in our workplaces, or even within our own families, it can feel intensely personal. After all, these attacks are aimed at who we are at our very core.
However, Ruiz’s teaching encourages us to understand that the actions and words of others are a reflection of their own reality, not ours. The hatred we face is not about us—it’s about the fear, ignorance, and insecurity of those who perpetuate it. This doesn’t mean we should ignore or excuse transphobia; rather, it’s a reminder not to let it define us or dictate our self-worth.
For me, learning not to take things personally has been a long and ongoing process. There are still moments when the cruelty of others cuts deep. But by returning to this agreement, I find strength in knowing that their hatred is not my burden to carry. I can choose to respond with dignity and refuse to let their negativity take root in my spirit.
Don’t Make Assumptions: Bridging the Gap
The third agreement, “Don’t Make Assumptions,” speaks to the dangers of misunderstanding and miscommunication. In the transgender community, assumptions are often made about our lives, our experiences, and our identities. These assumptions can come from those who are unfamiliar with our journey, leading to harmful stereotypes and misconceptions that fuel discrimination.
But assumptions can also arise within our community. We may assume that others won’t accept us, that our families will reject us, or that society will never change. While these fears are not unfounded, making assumptions can prevent us from reaching out, educating others, and building bridges of understanding.
By challenging our own assumptions, we open the door to dialogue and connection. This might involve having difficult conversations with loved ones, seeking out supportive communities, or even educating ourselves about the experiences of others within the LGBTQ+ spectrum. It’s about creating space for growth—both for ourselves and for those around us.
In my own life, letting go of assumptions has allowed me to find unexpected allies and sources of support. It’s also helped me to approach activism with a more open mind, recognizing that change is possible, even if it doesn’t happen as quickly as we’d like.
Always Do Your Best: A Compassionate Approach to Activism
The fourth agreement, “Always Do Your Best,” is a call to action, but it’s also a reminder to be gentle with ourselves. In the fight against transphobia, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the task. The weight of the world’s ignorance and hatred can make us feel like we’re never doing enough—that we’re failing our community by not being able to change things faster or more effectively.
But Ruiz’s teaching reminds us that our best will vary from day to day. Some days, our best might mean marching in protest, advocating for policy change, or providing support to those in crisis. Other days, our best might simply mean taking care of ourselves—resting, seeking comfort, and preserving our mental health. Both are valid, and both are necessary.
As a transgender woman who is now documenting the tragedies in our community, I’ve had to learn this lesson repeatedly. There are days when I feel powerless in the face of so much violence and hate. But I’ve come to understand that my best is enough, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. By doing what I can, when I can, I contribute to the broader movement for equality and justice.
Moving Forward: Finding Strength in Community
As we navigate these challenging times, it’s essential to remember that we are not alone in this journey. The transgender community, though often under siege, remains strong, resilient, and deeply committed to creating a safer, more inclusive world. Now, more than ever, we need to harness this strength and take deliberate, collective action to ensure our survival and well-being. By embracing the principles of The Four Agreements, we can build emotional resilience, protect our mental health, and continue our journey of self-discovery—even in the face of adversity.
One of the most critical steps you can take right now is to actively seek and build connections within the transgender community. Isolation can be incredibly damaging, especially when facing external hostility. Make it a priority to join online forums or local support groups where you can share your experiences, offer support, and find a sense of belonging. Platforms like Reddit’s r/Transgender or local LGBTQ+ centers often have resources and support networks that can connect you with others who understand your journey.
If you’re in a position to do so, consider organizing or participating in community events. These gatherings, whether virtual or in-person, can be a powerful way to foster solidarity and mutual support. For example, you could start a weekly Zoom check-in with friends or attend local LGBTQ+ events and rallies. These activities not only reinforce community bonds but also serve as a reminder that we are stronger together.
For allies and families of transgender individuals, your role is crucial in this fight. Educate yourselves on the issues facing the transgender community by reading books, attending workshops, or participating in allyship training programs. Organizations like PFLAG and The Trevor Project offer resources specifically designed to help allies better understand and support the trans community. Don’t stop at understanding—act. Use your voice to advocate for transgender rights, whether that’s by contacting your local representatives to support trans-inclusive legislation, standing up against transphobic comments in your daily life, or volunteering with organizations that support transgender individuals.
We also need to collectively push back against the systems of oppression that contribute to the violence and discrimination we face. This means getting involved in activism—whether it’s through direct action, like participating in protests, or supporting legal efforts to challenge discriminatory laws. For instance, you can support organizations like the ACLU, which actively fights for transgender rights in court, or donate to grassroots trans-led initiatives that provide direct support to those in need.
While it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the hatred and violence directed at our community, The Four Agreements offers us a framework to navigate these challenges with integrity and resilience. Embrace the agreement to “Be Impeccable with Your Word” by speaking out against injustice whenever you can. Whether it’s writing an op-ed, sharing your story on social media, or simply correcting misinformation when you encounter it, your words have power.
Similarly, the agreement to “Always Do Your Best” reminds us that every effort counts, no matter how small. If you’re unable to attend a protest, consider writing letters to your representatives, donating to trans-supportive causes, or even just offering emotional support to a friend in need. Your best may vary from day to day, but every action contributes to the broader fight for justice and equality.
Finally, we must remember that the growing hatred and violence against our community is not just a call to action—it’s a call for introspection and transformation. Let’s take this opportunity to look within, to embrace the teachings of The Four Agreements, and to approach our struggles not with defeat, but with determination. By taking deliberate actions—building community, educating allies, and standing up for our rights—we can protect our well-being and create the more just and compassionate world we all deserve.
Together, we can forge a path to inner peace, strengthen our community, and ensure that future generations of transgender individuals can live with dignity, safety, and love. Now is the time to act—join forces, support one another, and let our collective efforts be the beacon of hope that lights the way forward.
The Bottom Line
The teachings of The Four Agreements offer us a framework to navigate the hate and violence that the transgender community faces with grace and resilience. By being impeccable with our word, refusing to take things personally, avoiding assumptions, and always doing our best, we can protect our mental health, strengthen our community, and continue our journey of self-discovery.
The road to a world free from transphobia is long and fraught with challenges. Yet, by focusing on inner peace and mutual support, we can find the strength to keep moving forward, one step at a time. To all the transgender individuals, families, and allies reading this, know that you are not alone. Together, we can face the hatred with the courage that comes from inner peace, and together, we can make the world a safer, more compassionate place for all.
