As the new school year begins and school buses once again fill the roads, I’m reminded of the years I spent raising my three daughters through their school-age days. While they are all cisgender, I often reflect on the unique challenges that parents of transgender or non-binary children may face. As a transgender woman, the idea of creating a wardrobe for one of my children had they been transgender inspired me to write this article.
Raising a transgender or non-binary child comes with many unique challenges, and helping them build a wardrobe that is both gender-affirming and school-appropriate is one of the most important. School is where children spend a large portion of their day, and feeling comfortable and confident in their clothing can have a profound impact on their well-being. For parents of transgender or non-binary kids, the goal is to ensure that their child’s school experience is as safe, positive, and affirming as possible.
In this guide, we’ll explore how to create a wardrobe that empowers transgender and non-binary children to express themselves authentically. We’ll also discuss ways to support children who are still exploring their identity or not yet fully out at school. Additionally, we’ll provide advice for school boards and allies on how to make dress codes more inclusive and supportive.
Understanding Your Child’s Needs
The first step in building a gender-affirming wardrobe is understanding your child’s needs and desires. Every child’s journey with gender identity is different, and some may have a clear sense of what feels right for them, while others might still be exploring.
It’s important to have open and supportive conversations with your child. Ask questions like:
- How do you feel most comfortable expressing yourself at school?
- What types of clothing make you feel good about yourself?
- Are there outfits you’ve seen that you’d like to try?
These discussions will help you better understand your child’s preferences and any concerns they have about fitting in or standing out. The goal is to empower your child to express themselves authentically while also considering their safety and comfort.
Tips for Building a Gender-Affirming Wardrobe
Once you’ve had those conversations, you can begin to build a wardrobe that aligns with your child’s sense of self. Here are some tips to consider:
Prioritize Comfort and Confidence
Comfort is key for any child at school, but especially for transgender and non-binary children. Clothing that affirms their gender identity can help boost their confidence and sense of well-being.
- For Transgender and Non-Binary Kids: Clothing choices should reflect what makes your child feel comfortable and affirmed. Whether that means skirts, dresses, jeans, t-shirts, or anything in between, it’s important to avoid imposing strict gender expectations. Not all transgender girls want to wear traditionally feminine clothing, and not all transgender boys are drawn to stereotypically masculine styles. Similarly, non-binary children may prefer more gender-neutral or androgynous outfits. The focus should be on what helps them feel most like themselves, regardless of conventional gender norms.
- Exploring Clothing Options: Some children might feel affirmed in more fluid styles that mix traditionally masculine and feminine elements, while others might prefer a more binary or neutral wardrobe. What’s important is that they have the freedom to choose what feels right for them.
Layering for Flexibility
Layering can be a great way for kids who are still exploring their identity or aren’t fully out at school to express themselves more subtly. Layers allow for flexibility throughout the day—children can wear neutral or simple base layers and add more gender-affirming elements like jackets, scarves, or jewelry as they feel comfortable.
This approach allows your child to manage how much of their identity they want to share at any given time, which can be helpful if they’re navigating uncertain or less supportive environments.
Explore Gender-Neutral Clothing Options
More clothing brands are offering gender-neutral or unisex styles, which can be a great option for transgender and non-binary kids. These clothes tend to be versatile, comfortable, and free from the confines of traditional gender roles. Your child can have the freedom to explore their identity without feeling constrained by strict expectations if they wear clothing in muted or neutral colors, looser fits, or simple designs.
Supportive Footwear
Footwear is another way for kids to express their identity, and it’s important that they feel confident in their choice of shoes. From sneakers to boots, sandals to more dressy options, footwear should complement their overall style and comfort level. It’s worth considering that non-binary or transgender children might prefer shoes that are neutral or mixed in style, depending on how they want to express themselves.
Ensure Proper Fit
Clothing that fits well is essential for any child, regardless of gender. Transgender and non-binary kids, especially as they go through puberty, may experience body dysphoria, making clothing fit a particularly sensitive issue. Finding clothes that fit comfortably and make your child feel good about their appearance can significantly improve their confidence. Tailoring or choosing clothes designed for diverse body types can help your child feel more at ease.
Safety Considerations
Sadly, bullying and harassment are still issues for many transgender and non-binary students. While your primary goal is to support your child’s self-expression, it’s equally important to consider their safety. Some kids may prefer to dress more subtly until they feel secure enough to fully express their gender identity at school.
If they are concerned about being the target of bullies or unsupportive peers, clothing choices that affirm their gender but don’t draw too much attention can help them blend in. As always, the key is to listen to your child’s concerns and balance their need for self-expression with their need for safety.
Supporting a Child Who Hasn’t Fully Come Out at School
If your child isn’t fully out at school or isn’t ready to share their gender identity with everyone, it’s essential to approach their wardrobe with sensitivity. They might be exploring their identity at their own pace and may feel conflicted about how to dress.
Here are a few strategies that can help:
- Encourage Exploration at Home: Let your child experiment with different clothing styles in a safe and private environment at home. This will give them the freedom to discover what feels right for them without the pressure of being in a public space. Over time, this exploration can build their confidence and help them transition to a more public expression of their gender identity.
- Use Clothing as a Gradual Transition Tool: Some children may feel more comfortable slowly introducing gender-affirming clothing into their school wardrobe. For example, they might start by incorporating neutral pieces or subtle changes and gradually move toward more expressive clothing as they feel ready. This gradual approach can allow them to explore their identity in a way that feels safe and manageable.
- Communicate with Supportive School Staff: It can be helpful to connect with trusted teachers or school staff who understand and support your child. These allies can provide a safe space for your child and help address any concerns related to bullying or dress code enforcement. Having adults in the school who are aware of your child’s needs can make a significant difference in their comfort level.
Navigating Dress Codes in Private Schools
Private schools often have stricter dress codes, which can present unique challenges for transgender and non-binary students. Many private schools may require uniforms or have rigid rules about what boys and girls are expected to wear. However, it’s important to advocate for your child’s needs, even in these settings.
- Open Communication with School Administration: Start by having an open conversation with the school administration. Explain your child’s needs, emphasizing the importance of allowing them to wear clothing that aligns with their gender identity. While some schools may initially resist, many private schools are becoming more aware of the need for inclusivity. By presenting this as a matter of your child’s well-being, you may help foster understanding and support.
- Request Accommodations: If the school has a strict uniform policy, inquire about possible accommodations. Some schools may allow your child to mix elements of the boys’ and girls’ uniforms, or they may offer alternative uniform options that are more gender-neutral. Requesting flexibility, such as allowing certain accessories or subtle modifications, can make a big difference in your child’s comfort.
- Understanding Legal Protections: Although private schools have more autonomy than public schools, your child may still be protected under anti-discrimination laws, depending on where you live. Familiarize yourself with local and federal protections for transgender and non-binary students, such as Title IX, which may help when advocating for inclusive dress code policies.
- Seek Support from Allies: If the school is resistant to change, seek out support from allies within the school community. Other parents, teachers, or even school board members may be able to help advocate for more inclusive policies. By building a coalition of support, you increase the chances of creating a more affirming environment for your child.
Navigating private school dress codes can be challenging, but with open communication, advocacy, and awareness of legal protections, you can help create a safer, more inclusive space for your transgender or non-binary child.
Advocating for Inclusive Dress Codes: Advice for Allies
School dress codes often reflect traditional gender norms, which can be alienating for transgender and non-binary students. Allies, including school board members and staff, can help by advocating for dress codes that are inclusive and gender-neutral.
- Support Gender-Neutral Dress Codes: Encourage your school to adopt gender-neutral dress codes that don’t restrict clothing choices based on gender. Instead of separate guidelines for boys and girls, a gender-neutral dress code would allow all students to wear what they feel most comfortable in, whether that includes skirts, pants, or any other clothing.
- Prioritize Safety and Inclusion: Dress codes should be designed with the goal of ensuring all students feel safe and included. Rules that restrict specific hairstyles, clothing items, or accessories that might affirm a child’s gender identity should be reviewed and revised to prevent discrimination. Inclusivity should be a key focus in these policies.
- Implement Clear Policies Supporting Transgender and Non-Binary Students: Dress codes should explicitly state that students can dress in ways that align with their gender identity. Having clear, affirming policies can help transgender and non-binary students feel protected and validated. Schools should also have strong anti-bullying policies that address harassment based on gender expression.
Being an Ally to Transgender and Non-Binary Students
Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or part of the school community, there are many ways you can support transgender and non-binary students beyond advocating for inclusive dress codes.
- Create a Safe and Affirming Environment: Respect every student’s chosen name and pronouns, and stand up for them if they experience bullying or discrimination.
- Educate Yourself and Others: Continue learning about transgender and non-binary identities and encourage open conversations about gender diversity within your school community.
- Celebrate Individuality: Foster an environment where all students, regardless of their gender identity, feel free to express themselves and explore their style without fear of judgment.
The Bottom Line
Helping your transgender or non-binary child build a gender-affirming wardrobe is about more than clothes—it’s about giving them the confidence to express their identity and feel safe in their own skin. By listening to your child, supporting their journey, and considering both self-expression and safety, you’re helping them thrive at school and beyond.
For allies and school staff, advocating for inclusive dress codes and fostering a supportive school culture can create a safer, more welcoming environment for all students. Together, we can work toward a future where every child feels free to be themselves, both in school and in life.
